The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

28 03 2006


Via Panda’s Thumb and Larvatus Prodeo, Pastafarianism has entered the Gutenberg Age with today’s launch of The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, as dictated to mild-mannered Arizona physics graduate Bobby Henderson.

The unbelieving world, alas, has not been kind or welcoming to Henderson who–like many a sage and visionary of ages past–has been made to suffer much calumny and persecution. “YOU NEED TO FIND JESUS YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER. IF I WERE YOU I WOULD TAKE MY ASS IN TO ON COMMING TRAFFIC AND LET EVERYBODY KILL YOUR ASS. AND YOU BETTER PRAY TO YOUR GOD THAT I DON’T FIND BECAUSE IF I DO I’M GOING TO JAM AN OAR UP YOUR ASS NEVER MIND I’M SURE YOUR HOMO BOYFRIEND DOES THAT ANYWAY YOU FUCKING DICK,” suggests Charles McMurrey. “Just a concerned viewer. And Yes, I am very pissed off. If you don’t like what I have said, just let me know where to find you. We
can work it out. I have a feeling I will feel much better afterward,” offers George Esser of headhunting.net. “I would suggest growing up alittle and/or blowing your fucking face off with a shotgun,” opines Andiar Rohnds.

But what is Pastafarianism all about? As the USA TODAY reports, here are a few of its central tenets:

• A “Flying Spaghetti Monster” created the universe, Earth and its creatures, making a few mistakes on the way after drinking heavily from heaven’s beer volcano.

• The FSM hid dinosaur fossils underground to “dupe mankind” about Earth’s true age and is the secret force behind gravity, pushing everything downward with its “noodly appendage.”

• The FSM wants everyone to talk and dress like pirates. Global warming is considered a punishment for the relative scarcity of pirates these days.

• Every Friday is a sloth-filled holy day. Instead of “amen,” devotees end missives with “R’amen,” in honor of the college student’s favorite noodle fare.

Even hard scientists–those who know the difference between science and religion–can’t resist putting the boot into Bobby Henderson’s faith. William of Occam-o-phile Rob Crowther, of America’s (nay, the world’s) most august scientific body the Discovery Institute, complains:”It’s too bad that they’ll get attention for this sort of drivel when we have a robust scientific research program that the media doesn’t seem to want to write much about.” Meanwhile, the devotees of the scientific method at Uncommon Descent point out that Henderson is “making a mockery of the religion of 8 of 10 Americans,” and compare Pastafarianism with torching churches.

Oh well, you know what they say. “Some are born pasthumously.”

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